FIX THESE BY THURSDAY NIGHT

Or we will send Himself after you.

THE TAKE FOUL

The NBA made it an “extra” foul to stop a fast break via intentional grab 15-years ago, yet for whatever reason the league adds stupid nuance to the violation.

After a whistle the refs halt action to stand under headphones determining which type of anti-entertainment breech they just witnessed, stopping not only the fast break but the entire gotdamn game to begin with. The irony is not funny.

How is the NFL ahead of the NBA on this?

Let the play go, NBA. Don’t whistle the foul and for the love of Unseld don’t stop a game to compare infractions. If someone fouls intentionally, note a “fast break foul” but leave the pea out of it, and let the action continue. The players, I assure you, will survive.

If the team with the ball scores within the 24-second possession, and-ones included, they get to keep the points. And because that silent “fast break foul” was issued, the team is due another free throw and the ball back.

Too stiff a penalty? Don’t foul then.

The NFL lets defenders jump offside all the time, quarterbacks get a free play and the fun isn’t ruined. The NBA needs to cop this.

And no reviews on “fast break fouls.” I don’t care if it was unintentional contact, I don’t care if the ref rang a phantom foul, the call is the call, play on.

Sick of this Larry Brown bullshit.

BANKED-IN THREES COUNT FOR TWO

You banked-in a three? Fuck you.

If you bank a three-pointer later in the game on-purpose, fine. Do it again and we’ll return your accidental point.

Otherwise, strong letter to follow.

OVERTIMES

There is nothing like the last two minutes of a close NBA game. And there are SO MANY OTHER THINGS like the first three minutes of an overtime period.

It is second-tier programming, NBA, recognize that early overtimes are the program ‘Hung’ starring Thomas Jane.

The tumble in altitude from the grips of a last-second tie game to the start of a bummed-out, five-minute overtime is too much. Double overtime feels like basketball doesn’t care what you do for a living. The third NBA overtime is Springsteen’s third-hour territory. You gotta really like the new album.

If 48 minutes couldn’t decide an NBA score, five minutes isn’t exactly representative. You can keep five minutes for the first overtime, but the second overtime should only be two minutes, with one-minute overtimes for every OT that follows.

OVERTIME FOULS

A six-foul rule in a 53-minute game is bonkers. The game is longer, players should get another foul. And a second for the second overtime, a third for 2020’s “eloquent” ‘Letter to You,’ and so on.

It is cute when the baseball game reaches 15 innings and the leftfielder comes in to pitch, but baseball has twice as many games as the NBA, the Skip can let a few slide. The NBA’s 82 regular season games are inconsequential in their own fashion, but if I’m going to sit through Nugget extra innings I’d prefer to watch Nikola Jokic and his extra foul instead of some utility infielder.

MOREY WANTS TO CHANGE THE PLAYOFFS

This is bunko.

“I would have it one-and-done,” he said. “There’s a reason everyone tunes into every game at huge ratings in the NFL. It is literally one-and-done. And the NCAA Tournament, in 63 games, gets more money than we do in our entire regular season.”

The NBA is not the NFL, nobody has ever heard of Mott’s Orangesauce, if you saw someone order a vodka and apple juice you’d call the cops.

The NBA is not full of children, unlike the NCAA, it is not for an afternoon’s play. The NBA is full of adults who enjoy becoming angrier and angrier at their opponent during the two-to-four weeks it takes to finish a round. With jet airliners poking holes in the ozone layer because Miami and San Francisco took it the length.

I’m not here for your bet-inspired goofiness, Daryl Morey, I want four-to-seven games in a series for the length of spring and too much of summer, coverage pre-and-suffixed by hour-long crime procedural drams.

BULLS GAMES TIP TWO FULL MINUTES AFTER PLAYER INTROS END

What is that?

I’m not deluded enough to think these guys are ultra-amped for game number sixty-whatever because the Alan Parsons Project pushes them over the top, but Chicago is longest in the league at this.

Flip the lights on, pound a few fists, jump the ball.

If kids with good grades need an autograph, tell them to go to Sportmart on a Saturday.

HALF-COURT SHOTS

You hit one from the other side of the court at the buzzer of a quarter or half? Four points.

We want these athletes to fire away. They practice half-court shots because half-court shots are the only shot that ends practice early.

It’s not enough to tell shooters, “oh, we track these heaves, the NBA does, Basketball Reference has them,” no, bleep that. I don’t want Shai Gilgeous-Alexander considering B-Ref when he’s trying to make the end of the first half a little more interesting for everyone.

Four-pointers at the ends of game? Why not? You have a minor league, test, that, shit, out.

If the clock is under two seconds and you want to fire the ball backward to Seth Curry 54-feet from the goal, do it.

And fouls on these plays count for only three free throws. We’re not getting clever, none of that Chris Paul crap here.

I HAVE FEWER THAN 300 PAID SUBSCRIBERS

Again, I ask, what is that.

It costs three bucks.

FIXED THIS (BY FRASIER)

I don’t think Kelsey Grammer has ever mowed a lawn, but I know Frasier has.

CHRIS PAUL

CP3 broke his right thumb, out for two months, maybe more, endangering Phoenix’s first playoff set.

The problem here is that nobody steps in like Chris Paul. One night he’s in street clothes because he got his finger caught in Eric Maynor’s waistband, the next night he’s Chris Paul, looking and acting and playing like Chris Paul.

The playoffs are several years long, the opening round feels like it took place on D-Day by the time the Conference finals roll around, plenty of time off to catch a wind and develop timing.

So he doesn’t have to suit against the Thunder two more times, so he won’t chase Cole Anthony and Kyle Lowry on consecutive nights in Florida. If anything, this injury rotates Paul’s tires in time for the postseason: Steph Curry doesn’t get to rehab in a pool from February until April.

LEBRON ME WITH A FEATHER

He’s angled his entire career, as the rest of us aspire. He wants to fulfill the American dream, nepotism.

He’s also performed way, way under market value since they put him on magazines, pay cable programming at 17. This isn’t the Lakers’ fault but if LeBron James wants to shit talk Pelinka, let him, both sides have an argument but only one of them has real power.

Now we get to watch them scramble. It’s gonna be weird and different and fun, LeBron has a full, unaccounted-for NBA season before Bronny James enters the in NBA in 2024-25. LBJ could play single-year kingmaker for 2023-24, or finagle some format to ease him into someone’s lineup just after the 2023 trade deadline. Maybe he doesn’t want another training camp as a Laker: Wilt was traded, Shaq, Kareem too.

Gordie Howe was never dealt, but Gordie also had to retire from the Red Wings before he could drag around the same Autonomy Jug James earned himself in 2006. LeBron had the Cavaliers distracted and distressed the moment LBJ slid his rookie deal into a three-year extension instead of a five-year contract, the Cavs didn’t hold up to the scrutiny.

Pat Riley’s Heat did, repeatedly, Anthony Davis managed it once in the bubble because he couldn’t do anything else but play basketball. And LeBron is on the hunt for another dumb story:

Before 2024, when he gets to his silliest: James & Son, a story so Hallmark you’d have to film it in British Columbia. Gen Z smirking at millennial cringe, I am ready for every second and you are too.

LeBron James answered every bell, he gets to call his shots.

ZION

Zion Williamson shouldn’t get to call his shots, it isn’t stopping him.

LeBron James came off a 31-7-6 year when the 21-year old decided to keep his contract extension at three seasons, he’d also taken the (otherwise, bad) Cleveland Cavaliers to a Game 7 in the Eastern semis.

Zion, by NBA comparison, accomplished getting to 21 years of age.

See, Zion is the normal one. He’s the 21-year old who has no clue what he’s doing, he just knows he doesn’t want to do what you, specifically, told him he should do. A normal 21-year old doesn’t drive the 2005-06 Detroit Pistons within an inch of a Conference title defense, the typical 21-year old’s daily interactions are appropriately punctuated by undercooking a French Bread pizza in the microwave.

(Leaving a frozen middle on the French Bread does not preclude the 21-year old from biting, immediately, into the steaming-hot edges of the pizza.)

This isn’t to excuse Williamson being a prat, or to pretend that his burdened metatarsals will last another decade. It’s always been about winning right now with this guy, this kid, because Baby Shaqs just aren’t long for modern sneakers.

We don’t have a precedent for Williamson, on or off the court. Future stars on rookie deals forever chafe at front office goings-on, and Zion’s (perceived) frustrations have credibility, but no NBA star has ever blown off a rookie contract like this.

But we’ve come close: Sam Hinkie wouldn’t even give his lottery picks direction to the arena. From the same team, if not culture, came Ben Simmons and his trade deadline-long strike. LeBron is soon to go on record praising the Grizzlies for traded a pick for Otis Thorpe in 1997. Player empowerment only lasts as long as the next lockout, but it’s improving.

Which is good. Maybe it helps a future GM think twice about a veteran coaching hire, or a fruitless attempt at acquiring a point guard who signed with the Miami Heat a year before his contract with Toronto expired. These are only barroom opinions, no excuse for Zion being bad at his job.

This is not fun for Pelicans fans, NOLA shouldn’t have to lose a franchise player because his mom wants to ruin a house, but this is life when mine the teenage employment pool. They’re usually better at their next job.

Every year Best Buy loses thousands of future managers when a tired-of-it 21-year cashier no-call/no-shows, the same was going to happen to the NBA at some point.

LOVE TALKIN’

This is the last of Free February, thank you for reading!

… and you get a bunch of goofy NBA emails.