Sportswriting the 2023 NBA trade deadline

A new NBA owner rushing to skate four unprotected — unproflurkingtected — first-round picks for an aging superstar is exactly what we want out of this life.

Kevin Durant’s knees need sutures every few months but if Durant delays his next appointment the Suns have enough to deliver Phoenix its first NBA championship, and with only a pinhead owner (they’re all pinheads) to thank.

And after Chris Paul fades away (for no compensation) and Durant follows (with no compensation) and Devin Booker’s grandfathered max contract demands begin around $200 million a year, we’ll still agree it was worth it. The Suns won a title in 2023, the rest of the 2020s do not count.

Teams can’t simply trade for excellence, quality has to develop, and there is enough in town to work around the abject lack of first-round picks in odd-numbered seasons (plus a 2028 swap). Phoenix has the right general manager for this, James Jones cares so little about draft picks he used one on Jalen Smith.

Jones inherited Booker and dealt for Paul with a package (Ricky Rubio, Kelly Oubre Jr., 39-year old sophomore Ty Jerome, Jalen Lecque, a single first-rounder, turning into Peyton Watson) to pale in comparison to the first-round bonanza stars usually suggest. James and coach Monty Williams also completely buggered the DeAndre Ayton they inherited, as if Luka Dončić ever rotates to the front of the rim.

Jones shouldn’t apologize for any of this yet. The new owner severely committed to him on Wednesday night — we’re going to figure out a way around these draft picks — Mat Ishbia can’t fire Jones in 2027 as if he didn’t see the mess coming, not when Mat and James dug all these little holes.

No, they’ll fire Jones for some other reason, that’s what owners do.

In the meantime, championship? Kevin Durant is so good at basketball.

Paul dominates the ball in ways which can enlighten Durant, this is the perfect time in both their careers to pair. Devin routinely proves adaptable to even the Elie Okoboiest of situations.

There is enough here to ensure none of the particulars will ever have to buy a slider set with unsalted fries at Majerle’s for the rest of their lives.

It’ll fall to shit in a few years unless the Suns are supremely lucky, falling back on warm weather and shifty taxes to draw disgruntled superstars from other clubs.

Mikal Bridges and Cameron Johnson are the sort of two-way rotation fillers that put championship teams over the top, the sort of budding ballers other teams are jealous over. They’re out. Jae Crowder, perfect role player, pissed off and over and, finally, out. The Suns have done well with fringe additions but they’ve also watched the same heap (Cameron Payne, Jock Landale, Landry Shamet) play them out of winnable games. And then there’s Ayton, who hates everyone here.

You don’t get to do this, ever, there are only 30 NBA ownership jobs and a but handful of Kevin Durant-types in every NBA season and rare is the instance that you get to trade for one while at work, owning an NBA team.

It’s a bad risk. It’s a bad trade. So what. Now the work is to make it work.

FURTHERMORE

The Suns skirted the tax nicely and added a much-needed frontcourt bounder in Darius Bazley for the price of Dario Saric’s $9 million expiring.

Please do not use the savings on Isiah Thomas, or any other front office starfuckery. The Suns do not need big picture people, the Suns need on-the-ground talent finding quirks to pounce upon as the core declines. Isiah Thomas backstabbed people for decades so if you owe him a favor, Mr. Ishbia, you do not need to return it.

Isiah deleted his Twitter account because he can’t stop fucking up, the worst he can be is salty in front of tens of thousands of viewers at halftime on NBA TV. Mat Ishbia doesn’t have to be the guy who proves Isiah Thomas was right all along.

This is a championship core, a dream team. Don’t add what it doesn’t need.

JAE CROWDER TO BUCKS

The Brooklyn Nets earned five second-round picks for Crowder, I fucking love this capital. You dweeby twerps keep trade deadline hilarious and I genuinely appreciate the count.

Nobody should do this, not the holdout, the finger-thing.

Register a 34/28/78 split for the Bucks the remainder of the season and we’ll chide Jae Crowder for not letting his finger be. Gross.

PACERS

The young team will get Serge Ibaka and George Hill out of a three-team deal featuring the five second-rounders and Crowder’s skip to Milwaukee. The Pacers should sign these guys to Udonis Haslem Deals to drag out the decade.

You want leaders like this hanging around, influencing players of all ages. Sign ‘em and leave ‘em alone, they’re not you’re spies.

The Pacers also picked up Jordan Nwora in the Buck/Brooklyn deal, he might be a spy. Indiana also received two-second round picks to use as counterfeit money inside Jordan’s the spy’s suitcase.

Ibaka is likely waived, as Goga Bitadze was prior to Thursday afternoon’s deadline. Bitadze was a fourth center who deserves a shot at third center on a team with twice as much time.

STARTING TO LIKE THE UNIFORMS

Probably because I didn’t smoke pot the first time the Pistons wore teal, but, the flames are cool and I like the horsey.

I do wonder how we’ll handle mid-aughts nostalgia. There are some bodacious jerseys to choose from that era.

Five-second-rounders for Wiseman, again, marvelous. Worth it, too, because everyone read the John Hollinger bit about the Warriors saving $131 million in salary and luxury taxes by trading Wiseman.

Or, a million bucks more than Chris Cohan paid for the Warriors thirty years ago.

The Warriors re-acquired snakebit Gary Payton II from Portland for five second-rounders, I love the deal even if it eats into the luxury tax savings because five second-rounders. Five, second-rounders.

CLIPPERS

The Clippers are like if Michael Jordan was good at putting a basketball team together. L.A. even picked up one of Jordan’s old players, Mason Plumlee, to shore a frontcourt. The trade deadline’s other most-obvious player was Eric Gordon, the Clippers picked him up. These aren’t putdowns, I truly enjoy Lawrence Frank getting to the point, this team is stacked.

Bones Hyland is his own entity, he is charged with replacing what Reggie Jackson contributed off the bench. Don’t snort, Jackson was good stuff as a reserve, Bones better step up.

The Clippers researched and formed opinions, they know what’s up and want a crack at Hyland. I want to watch Ty Lue follow through.

WOLVES

They got D-Lo outta there:

Re-uniting Mike Conley and Rudy Gobert is well worth the cracks, Mike Conley knows how to settle a team down, the Jazz didn’t win a title with the guy but goodness knows where Utah would be without Conley’s recent heritage.

Potentially plucking Pat Beverley from the buyout pile adds to the depth. Minnesota misses D’Angelo’s style of creation in certain spaces but, whatever, anyone can hit a stupid shot.

Anthony Edwards will go nuts this month and next and people will ask him if he’s playing better because of All-Star-snub motivation and he’ll have to find a cordial way not to say “it’s because D’Angelo Russell isn’t on the team anymore.”

HOUSTON

The Rockets dealt Eric Gordon and brought back John Wall and Danny Green so I’m sure they got some stupid second-round picks for their trouble. If Victor goes here I’m going to be so pissed.

DETROIT

Wiseman, eh?

Jalen Duren:

THUNDER

Mike Muscala out, Dario Saric in plus a heap of second-rounders. OKC is two games below .500 working with a transcendent scorer approaching what could be a ten-year prime, no interest in losing games. Not every prospect will go over huge, Darius Bazley was nice but nothing that can’t be replaced, the Thunder added to a stash of second-rounders Sam Presti thought lacking.

It’s time to advance, time to do homework on what sort of stars want to play with Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, because some of them won’t. Their fault, not Shai’s, and their loss, because OKC is bouncing.

ATLANTA HAWKS

Picked up Saddiq Bey. Look at that.

THE LAKERS

D’Angelo Russell is clearly imperfect but four years younger than Kyrie Irving and not the disastrous defender Irving is. LeBron James needs shooting guard-types at point guard, Jose Calderon-types just don’t do it for LBJ, not with the gravity LeBron lends.

The Lakers are down a ballhandler with Patrick Beverley and Russell Westbrook gone but Los Angeles does not mind, it will loop the ball to LeBron or Lonnie Walker IV or wings Troy Brown or Max Christie. So they lean on Dennis Schröder too much, big deal, the ball is supposed to be in Anthony Davis’ hands anyway.

Anthony Davis tends to fracture a lot of things, Mo Bamba ideally is the stretch banger to fly alongside AD, the kind to save a season. I’d have to observe Consistent Mo’s return before I’m assured of the persistence. Fantastic talent to take a chance on.

The team will miss Thomas Bryant’s ability to run for baskets and develop position, literally the skill that made him famous, but returnee Davon Reed is fun. The Lakers have Vanderbilt to rebound and Bamba to bang and a Rambis/MWP-mix in Wenyen Gabriel to toss into frontcourt minutes and, um,

That.

A tremendous week for the Lakers. Los Angeles will embrace Malik Beasley and Jarred Vanderbilt, the former will satisfy James’ insistence his teammates take three-pointers immediately upon receiving assist-worthy passes. The latter is tall and, to the Lakers’ point, not Damian Jones.

Vanderbilt is to be more than this, the reason the Lakers’ front office gave up on a first-round draft pick. He has the skills and interest to be a terrific partner for James and Davis.

Imagine that. Trading the rights to a future player for a person you’re assured can help, immediately. The NBA should do trade deadlines every year.

DENVER

Bones? I can see getting angry at Bones.

A wing defender is needed, badly, instead the Nuggets traded for a backup center. The Nuggets’ other center will likely win his third consecutive MVP this summer, so. Then again Thomas Bryant can dunk.

I hope the Nuggets family of inheritors didn’t fuck another thing up.

JAZZ

I understand, Danny Ainge, a million draft picks, a tremendous core …

… but that’s all we get for three right-now rotation guys on cheap contracts?

It’s as if Ainge needed the Lakers pick for his collection, like it meant more because of its notoriety.

Danny hopes its infamy grows. Losing Conley and Vanderbilt and Beasley in three separate deals feels like a surer way toward reclaiming more than a single selection protected 1-through-4, immediately returning to sand (two second-rounders) if the Lakers truly suck in 2026-27.

Ainge didn’t want piecemeal picks, he wanted a wall trophy.

We are in, favor.

NEW YORK

The Knicks aren’t nearly as showy as I thought they’d be under Leon Rose. Hart is a solid pickup, he doesn’t solve anything New York needs badly but will contribute in every area the Knicks hadn’t thought about for a while. A fresh voice in the locker room doesn’t hurt.

The worry is coach Tom Thibodeau, who doesn’t react well to change, he’ll have to make room for Hart in ways which don’t strip the paint.

BOSTON

Added Mike Muscala, who already had his own show:

TORONTO

Love Toronto turning into a buyer, hope the attitude sticks.

Build a team. Weather a storm. Add a 7-footer. Poeltl isn’t nerfect, pobody is.

Toronto lost Khem Birch, some second-rounders and a 2024 first (protected 1-through-6) for a guy who can actually play, a big man who can defend without fouling.

PELICANS

Josh Richardson? Marvelous.

SPURS

Four second-rounders for Josh Richardson. Only four? Will the machine even accept that?

San Antonio picked up a top-six protected pick in 2024 from Toronto for Jacob, sound enough return for a player who did a fair bit of heavy lifting during a breakout stretch in Texas.

PHILLY

Leapt under the luxury tax while signing off upon the Matisse Thybulle Try. The 25-year old is an obscene defender and zero shooter, he needs a team to tolerate his shortcomings, the Sixers are no such team.

Jalen McDaniels is a terrific young player who has done some horribly shitty things in his life and he’ll be a mainstay as the Sixers move along in the playoffs. Provided the Sixers adjust to a new part of the rotation, considering,

Can Jalen McDaniels get out on Blake Griffin?

PORTLAND

Grabbing the Knicks’ 2023 first-round pick and an immediate defender in Matisse Thybulle is good business, Portland will likely have two first-rounders in a deep draft.

Removing Gary Payton II before he could be his best self hurts, but when a team offers you five second-round picks, you say, is that like a video game-thing or something I can actually touch?

RUMORED TRADES WHICH DID NOT HAPPEN, DETAILED

I don’t, no.

Stop.

Brain can’t handle.

Fred VanVleet.

Can’t.

I’M GONNA GO DRIVE BACK HOME TO INDIANA

I’m 2400 miles away and on the drive here I got 31.1 miles per gallon, help me with fuel:

NO PLACE TO HIDE

This is my favorite driving music. Thank you for letting me fill up my tank, subscribers, we will be in touch on the other side.

Thank you for reading!