We brought gifts

Listen, I know we said we weren’t going to do this, but I brought some gifts.

JORDAN POOLE

I got you another job.

You don’t have to be the face of League Pass lopsidedness or the savior of the late-era Warriors any more, no, we’re going to find you another job.

Say, San Antonio. Where they have a 7-4 rookie drawing attention, and Poole can’t help but spool in buckets because he’d be the only guard on the Spurs who understands what league this is. Another junko team, we submit, but we’re not worried about Jordan heading lineups without Golden State-level spacing, Mr. Poole did plenty of exemplary Warriors work when he was the only Splash on board.

Poole doesn’t need a paternalistic Popovich to aid him, but he could use someone who talks constantly with Steve Kerr, who would not have signed Poole to an extension if he thought Jordan was a mini-Andray Blatche.

“He was amazing,” Kerr said. “There were a number of games where he just got caught fire and carried us when we desperately needed it. I remember a game in Phoenix early in the year. I think he had 28 or something at halftime and just went ballistic.”

Game No. 21, 22 points at the half, 28 all night, hello kitty.

“It was like we had a new toy. The guys on the team felt like, ‘Oh, man, we got another guy who can go get it.’ It changed our outlook.

Washington goes and gets off Jordan’s contract via this gift, it’ll cost ‘em. The Wizards send Poole and Corey Kispert (whom the Spurs will pay through the nose to retain) and Johnny Davis (whom they won’t) for Doug McDermott’s expiring deal and monthly dunk plus Devonte’ Graham. Graham, a proto-Poole, can be cut this summer for the price of $2.85 million.

For taking on Poole’s contract (three years and $100 million to go after 2023-24), San Antonio also earns all the crap Washington has in reserve: Phoenix’s second-rounder in 2025, the Bulls’ second-rounder in 2026, the better of Brooklyn or Dallas’ second-rounder in 2027, the 2027 second-rounder from Golden State, the 2029 second-rounder from the Lakers, all the little perks Washington acquired and felt good about, gone, penalty for badly blowing both the Bradley Beal and Chris Paul trade.

The Spurs have to pay Poole 20 percent of the cap and the Wizards save nine figures, not including the primo price they’d pay for the pretty-OK Corey Kispert.

Maybe Wizards owner Ted Leonsis could put a little of that money into a new stadium built in the city which made him billions nah it don’t work like that.

CLEVELAND CAVS FANS

Some grass. To touch, not smoke. It’s not completely legal in Ohio yet unless you’re in the empty bleachers at a Reds game, then they leave you alone. Attendance Note: Reds must stink for provision to scan.

Cav backers have reasonable reluctance with head coach J.B. Bickerstaff, but Darius Garland played through or sat with significant injury, all season. Evan Mobley is hurt and Jarrett Allen does the best he can to stay on the court. Donovan Mitchell has been nothing but good-faith game about his position as leader and potential contract-extension signee because stars can always demand to be traded after signing the big contract.

The 17-13 Cavs downed Chicago in Chicago on Saturday and it was no fluke, Koby Altman’s pickups kept the home team at arms-length all evening: Allen with 19 points and 17 rebounds, Strus with suburban accuracy (27 points and a dozen missed three-pointers). Damian Jones gave good minutes and rookie Craig Porter Jr. showed why Cavbackers have been in love with the guy since Altman plucked him off the undrafted pile:

Returning the healthy British comedy duo of Mitchell and Garland to this lineup may not solve every answer, maybe Allen and Mobley won’t mesh, or maybe the pair (ages 25 and 22 upon the younger Mobley’s return) simply needs a little more space. And Mitchell Robinson out of the playoff bracket.

KNICKS

Sorry about Mitchell but I got you that backup center.

Isaiah Hartenstein is great, the Knicks won’t be better with him out there in relief of Mitchell Robinson’s yearlong absence, merely different. Maybe worse.

Yet signing this luxury at reserve center was an exercise in prudence, Hartenstein can play, sixth-seeded New York teeters on the edge of the play-in’s No. 7 seed but the Knicks are similarly close to home court in the opening round, a mere half-game behind No. 4 Orlando after Monday’s MSG win over Milwaukee.

The hiccup in this paperwork are the signatures at the other end of the table, the Nets. The interlopers from New Jersey or, worse, Long Island.

Get over it, bluebloods. Go get Day’Ron Sharpe, lose a headache, gain some intrigue.

The Knick send out Immanuel Quickley — I know, I know — for Sharpe and, wait for it, Cam Thomas! And Ben Simmons. Real Knicks message board names. New York also annexes Evan Fournier to Brooklyn and earns the first draft pick swap rights these teams are legal to pursue (first-round in 2042?).

Or toss in Brooklyn’s rights to the 2027 76ers first-round pick. Drag Philadelphia into this mess, the whole tri-state area with the 76ers (Pennsylvania) the Nets (New York) and Knicks (Connecticut).

You need that center, Knicks fans. Tom Thibodeau wants that 30-point threat off his bench, Ben Simmons miiiiight be a thing.

Asked specifically what he's been doing, Simmons said, "I just started on-court stuff, moving around, get some shots up. So just starting from the bottom and work my way up."

See, he’s working up!

"For me, my mentality, I come in every day and try to get better. I try to get myself back on the floor. I've got time left and I'm looking forward to getting back out there."

Listen, Cam Thomas is great.

BROOKLYN NETS

We’re going to give you the Atlanta Hawks.

The Hawks are rather hapless — top scorers, terrible defenders — and the Nets baffle us with blah, let’s merge.

Ben Simmons and Spencer Dinwiddie and Cam Thomas to Atlanta for DeAndre Hunter, Trae Young, Bogdan Bogdanovic.

And the 33 would-be Prestis in the Hawk front office can have all the galaxy-brain picks Brooklyn stashed: Dallas’ unprotected first-rounder in 2029, Philadelphia’s 1-8 protected 2027’er, the Suns pick from 2025 instead of the 2027 pick because Kyle Korver always wanted to wear No. 25 as a pro but it was taken and Kyle settled for No. 26. Plus a Brooklyn first-round pick, plus a swap with Brooklyn in some random season.

Four picks for Trae, a swap for Bogie, and the Hawks get off the latter’s contract (owed over $17 and $16 million in 2025 and 2026 for what will probably be 60 games a year) while excising the requirement to pay DeAndre Hunter $70 million for three seasons following this one. And Atlanta doesn’t have to be the ones to turn Trae Young into All-Defense.

Atlanta might be the ones to fix Ben Simmons, or let insurance cover the contract, eliminating the Hawks from luxury tax woes to help pay for all those general managers.

THE ATLANTA HAWKS

OK, I understand you didn’t want to be traded to the Nets. An ages-old concern.

Say Brooklyn turns its gift down. Let’s try to save this, let’s try some defense.

Deal Dejounte’ Murray and Clint Capela for Jakob Pöltl and OG Anunoby. Masai Ujiri wants multiple first-round picks for Anunoby, Murray was recently traded for three first-round picks, problem solved, nerds.

Worry about OG leaving the Hawks as a free agent? Nobody turns down Georgia after living in it through spring.

Toronto? I’m not worried over what Ujiri wants or how good the Pöltl deal is, Dejounte’ Murray slings directly from a top-five offense and Capela earns double-doubles for both teams.

TO SOME CLIPPERS

In a month, you get a few weeks off. I’m only talking to the stars. Not you, Terance.

After the game in Boston on Jan. 27? I don’t want to know you. The Clippers fly to Cleveland after that one. Kawhi, Russ, James, and Paul, please fly to Los Angeles.

Show up, lift, do pool exercises, some resistance stuff, and some film work. The trainer will check in with coach Lue, nobody needs to talk that much and P.J. Tucker can get some NBA minutes. Come back after the All-Star break and beat the Thunder and Grizzlies on consecutive road nights.

D’ANGELO RUSSELL

I went ahead and got D’Angelo Russell the 2023-24 NBA Sixth Man of the Year Award.

He may not deserve it, but I stole the award and I’m giving it to him. Call it my revenge for watching League Pass every night for 23 years and never receiving any awards votes from the NBA.

He won’t technically earn it (Russell started Los Angeles’ first 28 games before coming off the bench in Saturday’s win over Oklahoma City, 15 points on nine shots with three assists to one turnover), but a theft’s a theft and I know winning a trophy would align Russell’s particular chakra, contributing to victories like these:

D’Angelo tried that bit as an all-world defender, that was his 2023-24 hook, it didn’t play. It had moments, not many, not against starters.

Russell’s recent acknowledgement of Austin Reaves (who scored 11 points on eight shots against OKC, nine assists) on Saturday won him this august award.

ZACH LAVINE

We got Zach a new team, satisfying his need for pace, spot-up shooting, and defensive “risk-taking.” There are things Zach LaVine is good at. He wasn’t the keyest cog in the Bulls’ Great Lonzo Run of 2021, but LaVine blended, didn’t drag lineups down.

Send LaVine to Orlando for Gary Harris and Caleb Houstan. The Bulls also get Davis Bertans (expired in 2021, contract expires in 2025) and Oklahoma City receives Denver’s 2025 first-round pick from Orlando (co-incironically from the Aaron Gordon deal).

(Ironicidentally?)

I like Orlando, they reach for steals and badly need guards with size and above-average scoring ability, boy have I got the contract I mean player for them in Zach LaVine.

Orlando soon owes rookie extension to its scores of youngsters but at the moment is only due for an eight-figure payroll in 2024-25. Let Zach (who at $43 million in 2024-25 makes at least half the Magic’s projected $85 million payroll) eat some of that.

And that’s next year, when he’s good. The year after, he’s fine. In 2026-27 LaVine is owed a hideous $48.967 million, so just trade with the Wizards.

Chicago? Chicago gets what it earned for extending Zach LaVine, for not trading him last February, or at the draft, or in the offseason. It gets an expiring contract in 2025 and a guy (Caleb Houstan) Orlando doesn’t want to pay even 1.11 percent of its cap to in 2024-25. Harris can step in at shooting guard if DeMar DeRozan hurts himself tutoring teammates.

I also think LaVine would do well on the Lakers. Let’s paste another glossy cutout to this wall.

Los Angeles (21st in net rating) is not elite yet but often performs that way, LaVine would do well as a minutes sopper and shot maker to fill up airtime in the regular season. Do-it-alls don’t often work well alongside LeBron but LaVine is no Larry Hughes, he can spot up outside the arc, and Cam Reddish begs to be demoted out of the starting lineup.

Christian Wood and Bertans’ contracts head to Chicago with Gabe Vincent, the Lakers’ 2029 first-round pick heads to OKC. Too steep for the Lakers? Adding LaVine while retaining Rui and Reddish and Russell leaves the Lakers nine-deep before dabbling with Jaxson Hayes, before cameoing the rookie. The Lakers can win it without LaVine, but they can also really, really win it with him.

Worried about missing out on the first-round until the 2030s? Don’t worry, another generational superstar will ask to come to Los Angeles soon, and not to the Clippers.

BULLS FANS

I got you Zach LaVine off the team, that’s like a whole Nintendo.

I’d like to return ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ to the music the Bulls play immediately after home wins, but this gift is a start.

The Bulls will probably trade LaVine with Alex Caruso and wonder why they’re bad again. If the team returns anything better for LaVine than the hauls I visualized and/or keeps Caruso, I will dance. I’ll be dancing anyway, I own most Robert Palmer records.

Listen, we near the anniversary:

Bulls vs. Hawks on Tuesday. Go Bulls.

RAPTOR PA ANNOUNCER HERBIE KUHN

A new starting lineup.

I love the Raptor starting lineup of five dudes from five different countries: Scottie Barnes, Pascal Siakam, OG Anunoby, Dennis Schröder, Jakob Pöltl. Two umlauts!

Sadly, it hasn’t produced well. Let’s finally send Pascal and OG to Indy. Schröder to the Lakers, Buddy Hield to the Lakers, Maxwell Lewis to Toronto, Jarace Walker to Toronto, Gabe Vincent to Toronto, and Benedict Mathurin to Toronto. The Pacers also send a top-8 protected first-rounder to the Raptors.

Mathurin is one of the NBA’s worst wing defenders but his sophomore indifference isn’t much removed from Barnes’ pallid play in Scottie’s second campaign, Benedict is capable of a Barnes-styled bounceback. Benedict is also, I’m informed, super Canadian.

Walker is a lottery pick, Vincent can defend at point guard when healthy, and Lewis is included mostly to upset Laker fans.

THE NFL

A stocking. For all its nuts.

The NFL broadcast games on Christmas for the fourth consecutive year in 2023. If Christmas falls on any day close to Sunday, you’re gettin’ pro pigskin.

Saturday? Sunday’s twin. Put on your pads, suck in your mouthguard.

Friday? Feels like a Sunday, CUPCHECK!

Monday? You mean “Sunday Number Two?” Where’s your helmet?

Don’t expect NFL games every single Christmas, though. Unlike the NBA, where the day of the week isn’t a concern for scheduling games, [NFL media VP Hans] Schroeder says the NFL won’t schedule games when the holiday falls on a Tuesday or Wednesday, as it does next year. 

Wanna bet? The NFL could run 2024’s London game on Christmas, schedule teams through a Bye Week in advance of some Dickens Shit.

The 2025 holiday falls upon Thursday (football), with Saturday (football), Monday (football) and Tuesday (FOOTBALL) in years to follow. The NBA has no hope unless it hires me to sit between Doc and Doris to say things like “that’s some Dickens Shit” on live air.

JA MORANT

Time.

Morant is running down hallways yelling about receipts, his dad is on-air telling anyone who would listen that the NBA’s suspension was bogus because Ja Morant didn’t commit a crime.

They’re … wrong, sure, but they’re also hurt. It will take time for this wound to heal, and maybe another instance of the family saying some dumb stuff. To hear Tee tell it, the whole Morant minivan doesn’t think it did anything wrong back at the restaurant.

It is tough to watch people who break laws get paid, while Ja Morant sits with 25 checks docked from his season. He’ll have to get over it, because the NBA was correct in its attempt to push back. During his interview Tee Morant chafes at the idea of his son as a “role model,” but, he is. Check the contract Ja and every other NBA player signed, there’s enough language in there to suspend workers for using the wrong fork.

TO THE 29 TEAMS WHO AREN’T THE PISTONS

I promise we won’t remember you if you lose to Detroit. I promise.

Do you remember who broke the Sixers’ longest Process-era losing-streak? Or the fellas who fell to the old stinking, streak-setting Cavs? Or Bobcats or, uh, other Cavs? I don’t, and not just because of all these stimulants.

The 2013-14 76ers and 2011 Cavaliers tied with this season’s Pistons for the second-longest in-season losing streak (26 defeats) in NBA history. The 2014-15 76ers finished the season on a ten-game skid and lost 18 straight to begin 2015-16, Philly’s record of 28-straight losses deserves no asterisk, the Process-era ruination was intentional.

The Pistons? Detroit wanted to win this season. And by this point every opponent is at its best effort, no team wants to be the one who loses to Detroit. In spite of the fact that we never remember who eventually ended up falling to these losers.

Those 2015 76ers beat Kobe Bryant’s Lakers to end Philly’s streak. Kobe missed 19 of 26 shots for a Los Angeles team with a collection of young Lakers (Julius Randle, Larry Nance Jr., D’Angelo Russell, Jordan Clarkson) who would be favored against the Pistons next week. Just the four of them.

Byron Scott’s 2011 Cleveland Cavaliers defeated Baron Davis’ Clippers to end the streak, it may have moved the Cavaliers to deal for Baron a month later, earning Cleveland the pick which turned into Kyrie Irving. J.J. Hickson paced Scott’s Cavs with 27 points and 14 rebounds and Dan Gilbert stayed up all night on Twitter celebrating.

The 2014 76ers’ streak of 26 losses fell at the hands of the heroic Pistons, Detroit was led by — holy shit, forgot about this first guy — Kyle Singler. Plus Greg Monroe’s (take a guess) 20 and 10 (ding ding).

Five Philly performers pushed into double-digit points and while you may have a shot recalling the first two (Thaddeus Young, Michael Carter-Williams) you had no shot in hell at the next three (Eliot Williams, Hollis Thompson, Henry Sims). Jarvis Varnado nearly crossed the threshold with nine points in victory, it was Jarvis Varnado’s career-high.

The old Ted Stepien Cavs split a multi-season losing streak in 1982, dropping 24 in a row before outscoring the Warriors 22-10 in overtime to stem the pain. World B. Free notched 38 points for Golden State in defeat, which gave Ted an idea. Five weeks later, Free was a Cavalier, acquired on Dec. 18 in exchange of Ron Brewer, Free eventually signed a lavish, three-year and $1.7 million contract extension.

'I know we will draw at least 2,500 people a game, because I know a thousand myself,' he said. 'We have a good nucleus here and it will take a little time before we blend together.

'Heck, if we win two straight here, it would be the biggest thing since sliced bread.'

I counted 32 back-to-back wins in Free’s 275 games with Cleveland, about a half-loaf per season.

The expansion Vancouver Grizzlies lost 23 in a row in 1995-96 before 22-year old rookie Bryant Reeves (28 and seven rebounds) outscored 19-year old rookie Kevin Garnett (21 points, eight boards, six assists, two steals, two blocks) as the Wolves fell in Vancouver. Respectfully, I wish there were video of this contest more than I wish there were film of Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game.

The Bobcats lost 23-straight to finish the 2011-12 season and invited the 2012 Pacers (starring Gerald Green) into North Carolina for Charlotte’s 2012-13 home opener. D.J. Augustin (a Bobcat the previous four seasons) missed the game-winner for Indiana:

Charlotte started 1-0! They finished 20-61!

Jarvis Varnado!

THE PISTONS

I was going to get you a gift but then you walked off the court early after losing the 1991 Eastern Conference finals, so, good look against the Nets on Monday, they have Trae Young or Immanuel Quickley now.

ALL FANS

I wish you will someday feel the way Timberwolves fans feel at the moment. It is fun to roll out to a dark morning ahead of six hours of sun in a short winter’s day, every last second spent with your team atop the standings. Cheeks hurt from smiling and also a vitamin deficiency due to lack of sunshine.

Also wish peace on earth, goodwill toward all, the whole thing. Lords, leaping. A bunch of them. Enough for full five-on-five, which means we have to go full-court. Half-court with five-on-five is just a mess.

I wish us all the strength of a leg which spent the last four months punting for the Chicago Bears.

Hey. Get yourself a little something. You earned it.

Don’t worry, I got myself a gift:

SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME

I love this song so bleeping much.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays both past and ongoing, thank you for reading!